THE LEGEND-NEWS HEADLINES.

Palin To Grow Gigantic Hands In Preparation For Eventual Presidential Speeches

Suave® Professionals Baffle Top Stylists

Weight Watchers Calls Jenny Craig Ads “A Big Fat Lie”

United States Evacuated After Security Breach

NY Mayor Proposes Hamburger Tax

NBC Announces “The NBC Tonightly News Show starring Jay Leno & Brian Williams”

NBC Announces “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno & Conan O’Brien”

You Can’t Spell “Yemen” Without “Enemy”

Google Unwraps New Mobile Phone; Collectors Decry Loss Of Value

Elf Who Attempted To Blow Up Santa’s Sleigh Had Ties To Heat Miser

Supreme Being Cuckolds Carpenter

Chief Scientist Gor-Al Predicts Destruction Of Earth

King of Atlantis Supports Global Warming

SPORTS: Beverage League Final: Pepsi 1, Coke 0

Tree and Fire Hydrant Attack Tiger Woods’ SUV; Wife Elin Is Over Par

Woman Sees Image Of Cheese Sandwich On Statue Of Jesus

Polo Socialites Crash White House Dinner; Secret Service Director Falls On Own Sword

Pop Diva Served Mediocre Breakfast; Releases Album About It

Calendar Printers In Denial; Planning Continues For 2013 Editions

Oprah To End Show; Conservatives Raise “Mission Accomplished” Banner

House Passes Bill To Fund Terrorist Breast Implants

“Birth Transporter” To Replace C-Sections

Palin’s Radar Unable To Detect 2012 Presidential Campaign

Vampire Blood Feast Breaks Out At New Moon Screening

Morning Doughnut Selection Seen As Referendum On Obama

THIS DAY IN HISTORY: November 15, 1928:
The Real C.W. McCall Is Born.
Keep On A-Truckin’!

Lou Dobbs Leaves CNN For Redder Pastures

Microsoft “Balloon Boy” Accidentally Reveals Windows 7 Design Conspiracy

Monkee Rips Off Small Faces

Sarah Palin Chooses Carrie Prejean As 2012 Running Mate;
Prejean Begins Search For United States

Dagwood Bumstead Dead From Acute Sandwich Poisoning

International Laff-a-Lympics Committee Sues Hanna-Barbera For Trademark Infringement

Pilots Miss Minneapolis Airport While Following Helium Balloon

Microsoft Releases Windows XP Service Pack 7

Coming Soon To CTV: Levi Moskovitz On The Prairie

Iran Training Atomic Suicide Bombers

Martian Ambassador Blasts “Green-Face” Skit At United Planets Conference